Tourniquet
by Cursed-Pearl
Summary: Noughts and Crosses Fanfic. Sephy Hadley is a Cross, shunned by both her own kind and the Noughts, who struggling to raise her mixed raced child, Callie Rose, in a society where black and white, means right and wrong.
1. Bleed

Tourniquet 

By Cursed Pearl 

Rating: Young Adult  


**Summary: **The pain of the past is still there, but it's hidden. Callie Rose knows little of her father and is discriminated against by both Noughts and Crosses. Sephy is a singer, struggling to make her mark and raise her daughter in the cruel, injustice society. After attempting to fight for what's right, Sephy finds herself alone and being shunned from both sides of society. The burden of the past weighs heavy and the new threat of the apartheid is affecting everyone. The only think keeping her going is her daughter. And her daughter's uncle, Jude McGregor, ever seeking revenge on all the Crosses in the world, knows this…  

Authors Note: I was rather surprised that there wasn't a section for Noughts and Crosses on this site, hopefully fans of the novel will be able to find this. This story will refer back to Malorie Blackman's _Noughts and Crosses, Eye For An Eye and Knife Edge._ It takes place eight years after _Knife Edge…_hope ye enjoy it! ;-) (this first little bit is short, like the beginning of sections of the book in Knife Edge, but the following chapters are long)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Bleed

Blood   
Pain  
Pulse   
Heart  
Hurt  
Injury   
Wounded   
Scarred 

****

  
 


	2. One: Sephy

Tourniquet 

By Cursed Pearl  
**  
Chapter One **

Rating: Young Adult  


~~~~~~~~~~

One. Sephy   
~~~~~~~~~__

My lips moved and I sang. The lyrics threatened to blurt out of my lips in a messy, hoarse mutter. But I couldn't mess up this one. Not this time. Not another gig. My eyes squeezed shut for a moment, blocking out the disapproving faces of the people before me, before flicking open again within seconds. I continued to sing the soft melody. I should be used to this by now. It had been eight years since I'd began singing. Eight long, cruel years. Nine years to this day that… 

I pushed the thought out of my head; my voice shook a little, stumbling a little over the lines. 

_Don't mess this one up, Sephy._

I tried not to look at any one Cross for too long a time. It'd been so long since I'd performed in a Cross Club. So long since I'd even been in the same room as another of my own kind. I stumbled over the words again, and for a moment the words disappeared as my mind went black. I missed out a line. I forced myself to concentrate, picking up from the beginning of the next line. 

I could see the way they looked at me. I know what they think of me. It doesn't matter. I need the money. My daughter's at home, she needs the money. She has a school trip coming up. Her heart's set on it. 

_I can't let her down. I've let her down too much. _

The last word of the song slipped from my lips. I let my eyes rest on a few people in the crowd, before scanning over the faces. Some people in the audience applauded. Others, many, just stared back at me. Some faces shone with pity, other shone with distain. I spoke into the microphone, my voice stronger than I'd expected it to be. I thanked them for listening, before I turned and left. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be at home. I wanted my daughter. 

_I want a lot of things. _

I looked back at my audience, as I made my way off the stage. 

_I don't want their pity. I don't want to be hated. _

~~   
  
There was a brief knock on the door, before Mr Parvel walked into the changing room. I turned from the mirror to look at him. He held up the brown envelope. I stood and took it from him, 'Thank you.' I paused for a moment before I opened the envelope and counted the notes it contained.   
  


'I assure you, Miss Hadley,' Mr Parvel's voice made me pause, before I continued to count the money, 'that you will find the right amount.'

He was right. £90 as we'd agreed earlier. I looked up at him smiled and nodded, 'Thanks, Mr Parvel.' I turned and pushed the brown envelope deep into my handbag. I frowned when I realised he continued to stand behind me. I turned to face him. 

'Miss Hadley, you have a wonderful voice,' he began. My heart pounded. I knew that tone. I knew what he was about to say. I've heard it all before. 'However, your stage performance lacked the ability to capture the...'

'It's all right,' I interrupted him. I didn't really want to here another excuse. Another excuse to add to the list I'd began to make in my head. 'I understand completely.' I lifted my jacket from the back of the chair, my hand shook slightly. It was nothing to the way I was shaking on the inside. I was no stranger to rejection. 

_I want my daughter.  _

I forced him a smile and held out my hand. He took it and shook it. 'Thank you, sir. I appreciate that you let me sing here tonight.' He merely nodded at me. Keeping hold of my composure, I walked by him and headed to the door. I could feel his eyes on my back. Sympathy seemed to be seeping from him. The atmosphere full of it. The walls radiated it. 

_I don't want your pity._

~~  
  
I pushed the door to the house open, then made my way into the living room. I wasn't surprised at the scene before me. Meggie was sat on the armchair at the far side of the room, a book held in her hand. My daughter, Rose, lay on her stomach with a coloured pencil in her hand. She was roughly colouring the picture she had before her. I feel a smile tug at my lips, as life seemed to fill me. My life. My family. I pushed the door shut. Only at that sound did the two of them react. 

'Mummy!' Rose was on her feet in an instant at her side, her arms tightly around my waist. I hug her tight. Too tight. She struggled against me. And I remember that day almost seven years ago. The day she had died in my arms…almost. Meggie had saved her life. She didn't know how. But she had saved her. I loosed my arms. 

'I got a B!' Rose told me happily, before she turned and ran from the room. I kept my eyes on the door where she'd just left. 

'How was it, Sephy?' Meggie's voice interrupted my thoughts.   
  
I turned to look at her. I forced a smile and nodded, 'It was fine.' I reached into my bag and pulled out the brown envelope, 'I can afford another £40 of my half…'

'Sephy, that's all right,' Meggie interrupted me. I looked at her for a moment, openly frowning at her.  

I don't like charity. I don't like her feeling, _knowing_, that I can't afford the £300 a month we'd agreed on. I pulled out two twenty-pound notes and cross the room, thrusting them into her hand. 

'No it's not,' I respond, 'I have another gig on Friday. I've agreed to get £120 for that one and then I shall be able to pay the rest of my half for this month.' I sit down on the couch. 

Before Meggie can argue, Rose runs back into the room. I smile at her as she hurried over; she jumped onto the couch and held out a piece of paper in front of me. The same paragraph I had helped her write on Slavery the night before. A 'B' was written boldly at the top of the page. I looked into the beaming face of my daughter and smiled. I kissed her forehead, 'Well done, Sweetheart.' 

She grinned at me, tipped her head forward, which caused her dark hair to fall forward to frame her face. Her eyes. _His eyes._  

'I think it's time someone got to bed,' Meggie spoke up. I looked at her, then back at Rose, who had just finished a tired yawn. I smiled at her, lovingly, before I stood up.

'Come on, Rose, say goodnight to Grandma,' I told her, as I made my way towards the stairs. 

I heard and exaggerated kissing sound behind me and then a laugh as she and Meggie said goodnight. They whispered to each other for a moment, before Rose hurried after me. She ran past me up the stairs. I smiled as I watch her. _I love her so much. _

Within a few moments, I sat down on the mattress next to my daughter, who was lying on her back, looking up at me with her deep blue eyes. I smiled at her and she immediately smiled back at me. 'How did the gig go, Mummy?'

My smile faltered slightly as I remembered it, but I forced the smile to stay intact, 'It was wonderful, Rose. Why do you ask?'

'I heard you and Grandma talkin',' she told her quietly, 'I know they're bad to you. They're bad to me. They try to hurt me sometimes too. Do they hurt you, Mummy?'

I frowned at her, 'Who's trying to hurt you, Sweetheart?'

'Blankers,' her eyes were wide with innocence as they looked into mine and her voice was barely above a whisper. The innocence in her voice didn't stop my stomach from churning, sickeningly, my heart was in my throat, my blood roared in my ears and my eyes threatened to fill with tears. 

'Don't you ever, EVER say that again, do you understand me, young lady?!' my voice started quiet, but the volume increased rapidly. I watched my daughter move away from me. She looked frightened. She never looked frightened. She'd never looked at me like that before. 

_'You must promise me you'll never, ever use that word again. Promise me.' _Hiswords echoed in my head. 

'Mummy…' Rose whimpered, tears in her eyes. 

Before I could reach for her, Meggie burst into the room. We both turned to look at her. 'What's going on in here?' Meggie seemed to take in the frightened for of my daughter and then my own shaken form. 

I hesitated for a moment before I turned to look at Rose. I reached over and gently brushed the strands of hair from her face, my hand caressed her cheek. I smiled at her softly and then leaned forward, my lips pressing against my daughter's warm cheek. I was relieved when I felt her arms wrap around my neck and hug me tightly. So tightly. I caressed the back of her hair and whispered softly against her ear, 'Mummy's sorry, Sweetheart. I love you.'

A brief silence followed before she responded, 'I love you too,' her voice shook as she released me. I smiled down at her and tucked the covers around her. She turned her head to look at Meggie, 'Night, Grandma.'

'Goodnight, Callie,' Meggie smiled at her.

_Callie. She always called her Callie. _

~~  
  
'What happened, Sephy?' Meggie persisted as I sipped my tea, 'She was terrified.' 

'I didn't meant to frighten her,' I spoke quietly; my eyes remained on the television. I didn't want to tell her. I couldn't tell her why I'd shouted at Rose. I don't really know myself why I'd reacted like that. 

_'It's just a word, Callum.'_

I squeezed my eyes shut, pushing any thoughts of him as far back in my mind as I could. Lock him in a room and throw away the key.

'Sephy, I saw it,' Meggie continued, 'What happened?

'Blankers,' I mouthed it, more than whispered it. But she still heard it. She went rigid and frowned at me, not seeming to understand. 'She called them blankers.' I whispered.

A silence followed and I swear the tension could be seen sparking off the walls.

'She doesn't understand, Sephy,' Meggie spoke after a moment, 'there was no need for you to react like that.' 

'You don't understand either,' the words slipped past my lips without me thinking about them. I looked at her and noticed the confused frown on her face.

'What don't I understand, Honey?' 

I turned away from her. She hadn't called me that in a while. I put down my cup and stood up, 'I'm going to bed. I'll take Rose to school tomorrow.' 

'Sephy…'

I hesitated for a moment, looking at her, then I leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. I hadn't done that in a while either. 'Goodnight, Meggie.' 

She looked at me for a moment before she smiled, 'Goodnight, Sephy.'

I turned away from her and made my way up the stairs. 

Not ten minutes later I was in bed. Lost in my thoughts once again. I could still see the fear in Rose's eyes when I rose my voice to her. She couldn't possibly understand what she'd said wrong, Meggie was right about that. She'd just admitted to her that she'd been discriminated against. Most likely by the children at her school. She attended a Nought school. No Cross school would accept a mixed race child. And now she was growing bitter towards the Noughts because of the way others looked at her. No doubt it would be the same should she be living in with the Crosses.   
  
She was blaming them. She didn't understand the society we have to live in. It wasn't fair for her to be born into a world like this. A world where both Noughts and Crosses hated what she was.   

I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the pleasant memories of her. Her face passed before me. Her eyes. Her father's eyes. 

Rose was too much like her father. Too much like _him_. I didn't want to think of him. I didn't want the memories. I didn't want the pain that came with it. 

I closed my eyes and attempted to sleep. 

_I don't want to wake up._


	3. Two: Callie

Tourniquet 

By Cursed Pearl  
**  
_Chapter Two_ **

Rating: Young Adult  


~~~~~~~~~  
Two. Callie  
~~~~~~~~~

Mum never talks about Dad. Grandma lets me see pictures of him sometimes. I have one under my pillow right now. She says that I have his eyes. I don't though. My dad's eyes were grey: mine are blue. I don't know whose eyes I have. Maybe his brother's or sister's. Maybe I just have blue eyes, plain and simple. They don't go with my hair, I don't think. My hair's so dark it's almost black. They don't go with my skin either. No one has the same skin as me. Grandma has the same skin as my dad. Mum has the same skin as Nana.   
  
I think that's why they don't like me. The other kids at school call me 'half-breed'. I don't know what it means, really. Mum's a Cross, Dad's a Nought. I think that has something to do with it. But I'm not a 'half-breed', Chloe Turner told me that all we have in the world are Noughts and Crosses. She's a Cross. The only one I know next to Mum and Nana. And Grandma's a Nought. So that means I'm nothing?  

They call me 'dagger' too. I know what that is. I've heard people shout it at Mum sometimes when we're in the street. When I told Chloe she said they're 'blankers'. Mum doesn't like that word. I'm not stupid, I know from the way she acted when I said it that she hates it. I don't know what it means, really. It's just what I call the people that hate me. 

Everyone.

I have some friends. Chloe is one of them, so's Thomas, my only Cross friends. Jessica, Holly and Mark are my only other friends. They're Noughts. 

I'm lucky. I don't think Mum has any friends. Except Chloe's mum. All she has is my grandparents and me. I catch her crying sometimes. She's not happy. I don't know why, but she's not. 

I hear her and Grandma talking sometimes. She tells her when something bad has happened. She never tells me anything. It's not fair because I tell her everything. Except about the blankers. I heard them talking about me tonight. Grandma said I don't understand the word. But Chloe told me that's what they're called and she's three years older than me; eleven. 

I pull the picture from under my pillow and look at it. _Daddy_. There's so much I want to ask you. You'd have all the answers, wouldn't you?

_Do I have your eyes, Daddy?_ _Am I a half-breed, Daddy?_ _What's a blanker, Daddy?_ _Why is Mummy never happy, Daddy?_ _Why did you leave us, Daddy?_ _Daddy? Why won't you answer me? _

~~


	4. Three: Sephy

Tourniquet   
By Cursed Pearl  
  
_Chapter One   
  
_

Rating: Young Adult

~~~~~~~~~~~  
Three. Sephy

~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
'Hurry, Sweetheart, we're going to be late,' I pulled her along the pavement, hurriedly. It was almost five to nine.

'Can we go and see Nana after school?' Rose stumbled a little behind me, trying to keep up. I slowed down a little, not wanting her to fall. 

'We'll see, I'll phone her when I go back home,' I responded, crossing the road, 'Please hurry up, Rose. We don't have time.'  

'Why don't you call me Callie?' she jumped over a brick, 'Everybody else does.'

I didn't respond and continued to pull her in the direction of the school. I saw a poster out the corner of my eye and stopped, turning to look at it. Rose bumped into me, not expecting me to stop so suddenly. I frowned a little as I read over the poster.

The Midges

Playing at Tycoon   
7pm Saturday 21st March

Tickets in Advance: £10 

At the door: £12

The background of the advertisement was a picture of them. Jaxon on his guitar, Sonny on his left side. Not quite directly behind them Rhino could clearly be seen. They all looked so different, so mature. Jaxon hadn't changed much other than the more grown-up features of his face. Sonny now had a moustache and longer, closer-to-brown-than-blonde hair. The biggest change could be seen in Rhino. No longer the thin, short-haired teenager from eight years ago. His build was more muscular, though not as much so as Sonny, and his longer, dark brown hair fell just below his shoulders.   

A Nought girl was on Jaxon's right side: their lead singer. A bitter feeling suddenly washed over me, followed quickly by a fuming rage. I gripped Rose's hand tighter and hurried down the alley towards the school, 'Hurry, Rose.'

'You're hurting!' she pulled back, trying to free her hand from my grasp. I loosened my grip but continued to hold on and pull her towards the school.   

We walked out into the clearing, just as the bell could be heard, signalling the start of the school day. I looked down at my daughter and could almost swear I saw a look of apprehension on her face as she stared at the school. She quickly smiled when she noticed me looking at her. I just frowned and knelt down in front of her. I reached up and caressed her face; 'I need to speak to you later, all right?' 

'Okay, Mummy,' she nodded. I leaned over and kissed her cheek. She smiled at me then turned and ran through the school gates towards the doors of the school. I watched after her, anxiety making my stomach turn. 

~~

  
I walked slowly back in the direction Rose and I had just taken. I stopped in front of the poster again, my throat tightening as I thought of how things could have turned out. If only I had stayed quiet. If only I hadn't get involved. If only Jude McGregor had hanged.

I shuddered as I thought of him and continued on my way down the street. He terrified me. More than anything else in the world, I feared Jude. He hated me rightfully; his seeking for revenge against me was understandable. I was the reason his brother had hanged, after all. But if it weren't for him, there wouldn't have been a reason for him to hang. If it weren't for Jude my father wouldn't have been able to have an excuse to kill him. _He_ forced him to kidnap me. _He_ arranged for him to join the Liberation Militia. 

But in the end, I was the reason he hanged. 

I am the reason all Meggie had in the World was Rose and me. I am the reason Rose didn't have a family. I am the reason I spend everyday waiting, wishing for my own death. And I'm the reason Jude's after my daughter. 

I know he is. Everyday I fear that I'm going to find her missing. And I know it'll be him that has taken her. He won't kill me as revenge. He wants me to suffer. 

All because of me. All because of him. All because of **us**. 

My daughter will never be safe. Not while Jude McGregor lives. 

~~

'Sephy!' Mother hurried down the stairs, a bright smile on her face when she saw Rose and I standing there. She kissed me cheek quickly and hugged Rose. 'This can't be my eight year old, granddaughter, can it?' she feigned surprise, a wide smile on her face. 

Rose giggled, 'I saw you last week, Nana.'

'And I'm certain you have grown in that short time, Callie Rose,' she smiled down at her. 'Thomas is in the garden, I'm sure he'll be delighted to see you again.' Rose's eyes lit up before she rushed off towards the garden. Mother and I both watched after her. 

'Is there any precise reason for you visit, Persephone?' Mother turned to me. 

I looked at her and smiled, shaking my head, 'No. Rose wanted to see you again.' She indicated to the living room and we made our way into the huge room. It'd been almost two months since I'd been here. Mother tends to visit us these at ours these days. She asked Sarah to get us some tea, to which the servant immediately complied. 

'Have you heard of your father's campaign promise?' Mother finally spoke. 

I turned to look at her, a frown on my face, 'Promise?' 

'The introduction of the apartheid,' my mother said in response, 'the complete separation between Noughts and Crosses.'

I frown. I _had_ heard about it. But I saw it merely as a rumour. A false one at that. 'He can't do that, can he?'

'He's already passed the Immortality and Mixed Marriages Act,' Mother said in response, 'after ensure there is no intimate relationships between the two, what more is there for him to do than pass a law that would completely divide them all together?'

I could only stare at her in horror at the revelation. How could this man be the father I'd been so close to as a child? I thought of him then. Rose's father.  I didn't push away the memories this time. I thought of Rose. What of her? She was neither Nought nor Cross. How would this apartheid affect her? How could father do this? Was this his act of revenge against me for the humiliation I caused him? 

'You're a Cross, Sephy,' Mother continued, 'What would you do if the apartheid came about?' 

I frowned as I thought of it. Where Rose and I lived was amongst the Noughts. It was our home. Although we didn't have many friends, we were accepted as part of that community. The Crosses here loathe me. I helped Jude get away even though they knew he'd done it. I'd had a baby with a Nought. Rose would never be accepted here. Would she continue to be accepted at home? She'd already told me that the children at school hadn't been treating her equal; they'd tried to hurt her. 

I'd just turned fourteen when the society we live in finally struck at me. Had it already begun to strike at my daughter? Had it already started to hurt her? 

I couldn't answer my mother's question. Would the apartheid cause any more damage to my life than society already has? If it didn't to mine, what about Rose's?


	5. Four: Meggie

~~~~~~~~~~~  
Four. Meggie  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  


My friend, Susan, asked me a few days ago, 'if you could have one wish what would it be?'. One wish? There's so many things I'd wish for. So many things that would bring us out of this nightmare. I'd wish for my husband to be alive. I'd wish for my daughter back. My sons. I'd wish Jude hadn't admired his father so much. I'd wish Callum never wrote that letter. I'd wish Sephy would come back to life. I'd wish for my granddaughter to be as happy as a young girl could. 

And I realised as I thought that, that there was a way to have all those wishes narrowed down to one wish. 'I wish I could turn back time.' Right back to that fateful day Callum and I were sent from the Hadley's. The same day Lynette's life ended. How different everything could be if it were that simple. This day, this future could be tracked right back to that day. 

I started out of my thoughts as the door opened. Callie hurried into the room with a wide smile on her face, 'Grandma! Look what Thomas made me!' She held out her arm, revealing a plastic, beaded bracelet, the coloured beads all lined along an elastic band. I smiled at her. 

'It's lovely, Callie. Did you have a nice time with Nana?'

She just nodded and turned, making her way into the kitchen. My attention went to the door, when I saw Sephy enter the room. I frowned. She was fuming. 'Sephy? Is something wrong?'

'Is anything right?' she snapped back, lifting one of Callie's dolls from the armchair, before she collapsed down onto it. She lifted the doll up in direct line with her face, holding it by the sides, as she eyed it. She looked like a child in that moment, barely sixteen, not a woman of twenty-six. Her long hair fell forward to frame her face as she continued to eye the doll. After a few moments the doll was lowered and her eyes immediately met with mine.

I looked away from her, uncomfortably, feeling my cheeks heat up with a soft blush. I could see Sephy out the corner of my eye; she was still looking at me. I hesitated only a moment, before I turned my head to face her. My brows lowered as I noticed her eyes glistened somewhat. I looked over my shoulder at the kitchen door, satisfied to see Callie painting at the table. I turned my attention back to Sephy, 'What's wrong?'

She sighed loudly in exasperation, towards the subject she was about to address or to demonstrate her frustration that I'd pushed the matter further, I didn't know. 'My father's next campaign promise is the introduction of an apartheid. Similar to the one in France and Germany.' 

I frowned slightly, leaning back in my chair. I actually wondered why she was so upset about it. Already Noughts and Crosses had divided themselves, lived in different sides of the country. What difference would the apartheid make? I leaned forward and told her what I'd just been thinking. 

'But it makes it all official, doesn't it?' Sephy responded, 'I won't be welcome here after that. Even if I were, we're likely to be uprooted and sent to another part of the country. And Rose…what side would she qualify?' 

Rose. She never calls her Callie.

'The next election isn't for another three years, yet, Honey,' I attempted to assure her, 'Callie will be old enough to understand by then. She's neither Nought nor Cross. That's the best place to be.'

'Discriminated by both sides?' 

We've had this argument many times since Callie was born. Neither Nought nor Cross. She was in the perfect place to fight for the cause. She was on neither side and had the blood of both. If only both sides would see it that way, all they saw was the other side. The side they opposed to. But as I thought more and more about it, Callie Rose was going to grow up a Nought. She was accepted somewhat by my kind. She would grow up with my kind. I didn't know whether that was a good or bad thing. _So much pain. So much suffering. But justice…_

I looked over at Sephy, who had now fixed her attention on the television. I hesitated a moment. I didn't want to suggest it. But I knew I had to. She shouldn't feel trapped here if there was a way out. 'Sephy, perhaps you should move back home with your mother.' 

Silence filled the air. The atmosphere immediately went frigid and tense. I watched her demeanour go from impassive, to confusion, to frustration. She turned to look at me. 'Meggie, how many times must I tell you that _this_ is my home? That you and Rose are my family?' 

Indeed, she had told me more times than I could count. I knew we were a family. She was as dear to me as my own daughter, Lynette, and we both lived for Callie. We'd both _die_ for Callie. I smiled at her and spoke softly, 'If you're sure…'

'Of course I'm sure, Meggie,' she interrupted me, her voice vehement. It had been a while since she spoke with such emotion. I smiled at her again and she smiled back at me. She turned back to the television and I couldn't help but think again how much her features appeared those of a teenager.  


	6. Five: Callie

~~~~~~~~~  
Five. Callie  
~~~~~~~~~  
  


Mum's not happy again. She seemed happy when she picked me up from school, but when we left Nana's she was more than sad, she was angry. I don't see her angry very much. Usually I can't tell what she's feeling, her face is always so vacant. She must be thinking about Daddy. If she doesn't speak about her, she must think about him a lot. Well, that's why Grandma says. It doesn't make sense to me. If I'm thinking about something I always talk about it. 

She was supposed to speak to me tonight. But she must've forgotten. She was angry; I didn't want to remind her in case she shouted at me again. She doesn't shout much. But she does sometimes. To Nana, especially. And Grandma. 

She stopped in front of a poster today. I thought she was going to ask me if I wanted to go, but it looked like one of the really popular bands that sing in the pubs. Too young for pubs. I'm too young for a lot of things. Too young for Mum to tell me why she cries. Too young to know about my Daddy. Too young to knows the difference between me and everyone else. 

_Too young to know what a blanker is._

That's something I really want to know. I want to know what it means and why Mum hates it so much. It gives a name to those Cross people that shout names across to her in the street. I know they're Crosses, now. But Mum's a Cross too, so I can't call them that. I think it might upset her more. I don't want to upset her more. She's upset too much. I want to make her happy. I want to know what makes her happy.   
  



	7. Six: Sephy

~~~~~~~~~  
Six. Sephy  
~~~~~~~~~

****

I don't know why I'm here, really. _The Midges_ gave up on me when I needed the job the most. It wasn't even just a job by then. I'd grown to care about them. Sonny, at least, we'd become quite close. Jaxon and I got on well too. I was more than a little surprised to learn Rhino, the one I'd had least contact with throughout the time I was with them, was the one who wanted to stand by me. 

I'd made sure to be as far to the back of the room as I could. I didn't want them to see me. I could barely see them from my space in the back. I'd been here for over an hour now, they were finishing their last song for the night. _Bad Attitude._ I downed the rest of my drink, slightly dizzy afterwards, but managed to steady myself. I hadn't had a drink in a while. Years, even. 

The crowd cheered as the song ended, while she made her way back over to the bar, 'Can I get half a glass of Vodka, please?' I held out a £5 note. The bartender winked at me and took the note, turning to get my drink. I turned my back to him, so I was leaning back against the bar, and looked at the stage where Jaxon and the band were making their way off the stage. I was vaguely aware of someone come on and introduce the next band.

'Here you are, Missy,' the bartender put the glass down and tipped the change onto the counter next to it.

'Thanks,' I forced a smile and sipped some of the liquid, turning back to the stage. The crowd became wild again with the beginning of the next act. I sighed as I looked at the happy faces of those around me. _Lucky._ I sipped again from my glass. _So lucky._  

With a sigh, I downed the rest of the vodka and slammed the glass back down on the bag. Scooping my money into my hand, I made my way towards the exit. Coming here was extremely pointless. I walked out onto the cold street and turned, only to walk straight into someone. I stumbled back, startled and looked up at the man in front of me, his face was hidden by the shadows but I knew he was a Nought, a muscular one at that.

'I…I'm sorry,' my voice shook. I started the make my way past him, when his hand grasped my arm.

'Sephy?' 

I frowned, his voice was familiar. I turned and looked up at him, the light from the club now shone on his face. I hesitated for a moment before I offered him a smile, 'Hi, Rhino.' 

He grinned at me, 'Haven't seen you in a while. What ye been doin' with yourself?' I shrugged, shivering as the cold air hit me. He seemed to notice and nodded back to the club, 'Drink?'

'Think I've reached my limit tonight,' I smiled at him, 'Three drinks at the most. I have a daughter at home, remember?'

He just smiled and nodded, 'Still, it's warmer inside. We could go back to the dressing room. Jaxon and Sonny will be glad t' see ya.' 

'Unlikely,' I scoffed and looked away.  

'Weren't anythin' personal, Sephy,' Rhino defended his friends, 'They didn't want t' risk loosin' gigs. We live on that money.'

'So did I,' I responded, turning my head to face him. I shivered again, involuntarily.

'Come on,' he took my elbow in his hand and led me towards the back entrance. I sighed and let him take me towards the dressing room, somewhat reluctantly. 'I hear ye still sing,' he spoke again. 

I nodded, 'Uh huh.'

He looked at me, 'Your own songs?'

'Sometimes,' I shrugged. More than half the songs I'd written hadn't even been seen by anyone, never mind heard. 'Clubs I get like me to sing the songs they pick for me. Usually listed.' And I was glad. He just nodded and stopped in front of one of the dressing rooms. 

He pushed his head around the side of the door, playfully keeping me out of sight, 'Everyone decent?' I heard him say, before laughing. I heard Sonny's muffled reply, not pleased about something. Rhino let go of my arm, pushed the door open further and walked into the room, expecting me to follow. I warily stepped into the room; surprised that Jaxon wasn't there.

My eyes went to Sonny and I instantly realised the reason for his irritated reply a few moments earlier. The Nought girl, their new lead singer, was sat on his lap and they'd obviously interrupted them. I watched as Sonny's eyes widen, before he gently pushed the girl off his lap, 'Sephy!'   

In an instant he was in front of me and pulling me into his arms. I hesitated for a moment before I hugged him back, 'Hey, Sonny.' 

He let me go and smiled at me, 'How are ye? What ye been doin' with yourself?'

I shrugged. S_urviving_. _Dying_. I smiled at him and then looked at the woman he'd just abandoned, 'Hi.' 

'Sephy, this is Nicole,' Rhino spoke. I looked over and noticed he had begun to pack up his drum set. I looked back at the girl. She _was_ just a girl, couldn't be older than nineteen. I smiled at her. 

She gave an uncertain smile back and then walked over to Rhino.  

I looked back at Sonny, 'What about you?' He just frowned at me, which caused me to smile again, 'What've you been doing the past eight years?'

'Seven, really,' he corrected, 'Nothin' much. This,' he motioned around the room. 'How's your kid? Got any more?'

I stiffened, slightly, at his remark, 'She's fine. And no, she's my only.'

He looked apologetic at me, then looked over my shoulder, presumably at Nicole. He turned his eyes back to mine and spoke softly, 'I missed ye.'

If anything, I tensed more, and he seemed to notice it. Before I could reply, the door opened again. I turned and my eyes met the surprised ones of Jaxon. He smirked at me, 'Ah, Miss Ridan.'

I smirked back at him, relieved at the interruption, 'Jaxon.' 

He chuckled a little and grasped my shoulder, squeezing it, before he let go and walked over to his guitar, 'What brings ye here?'

I shrugged again, looking over at Rhino. He didn't notice me looking at him and continued to pack away the kit. I shifted, awkwardly. Sonny seemed to notice and started speaking again, 'We're goin' to a party at one of our mates,' he began, 'ye wanna come with us? Dani wouldn't mind, would she Jaxon?'

'Don't see why not,' Jaxon lifted his guitar onto his knee and began to tune it. 

'I really shouldn't…'

'Come on, Sephy,' Rhino spoke up, 'When's the last time ye had a good time? Must be a while, seein' as you've got a kid now?'

I hesitated for a moment. I'd never been to _any_ parties since Rose was born. The closest thing I'd had to the kind of party they were inviting me to was drinking in our dorms at Chivers. Even then I'd turned down any offers of alcohol. I looked at Rhino again, then at Sonny, asking with there eyes for me to go. I smiled. _What harm could it do, eh?  _

'Yeah, I'd better phone Meggie, though,' I gave in, 'wouldn't want her to worry. Where's the nearest payphone?' 

'Here,' Rhino reached into his pocket and tossed his mobile over to me. He was lucky I actually caught it. 

'Thanks,' I began to dial my number into the phone.


End file.
